Birthday Anxieties - 05.09.24
When a birthday comes around, it rarely comes alone, & it never comes quiet.
Buzzing around that day, like flies on a cow, are questions… so many questions. Aren’t you too old to be an ‘emerging’ artist? Isn’t it time you stopped with all of those childish habits & behaviours? Shouldn’t your life look better by now? While destructive, these questions do point to real anxieties, to real issues that I’m facing. So I guess it’s time to tackle them head on… like the adult that I am!
I’ll be quick though, cause I’m not gonna lament longer than I must. In short, no, nobody’s too old to be at any stage of their career. Lives differ. Stories differ. I already had the beginnings of a career before music came around. I never wanted to be a musician… circus was always the first choice. When looking around the Irish scene, I see people my age… although less & less each year. It’s true that we drop off, cause it’s hard. I suspect that’s why there’s a social expectation to be young in this industry. I could write a whole books about the ‘holding out effect’. Those of us who refuse to give up, we find a way. Then we just need to justify holding out, not only to ourselves, but to the world around us. Luckily, as I’m getting older, I’m better equipped to stand my ground. If anyone tells me that I’m too old for this, then I can accept that they’re eyes see only what’s given to them.
My childish habits & behaviours aren’t going anywhere soon unfortunately. The more & more I live, I notice that my behaviours & habits are a direct result of two things: what situation I’m living in & through. A breakup? Yeah, of course I’m gonna sit on the couch & watch Ghibli movies. Living in the city? Of course I’m going to be more social & active. I think we should work on ourselves, whenever we can… but I’m becoming more & more aware of how little control we have over ourselves. “Just a leaf on the stream of creation.”
Should my life look better now? This is the hardest question to deal with because deep down, yes, I thought that my life would go differently. I think we all do. Dublin is harsh. Being a student is harsh. Being an artist is harsh. When it comes to money, & affording a life, I’ve chosen to play life on hard mode. Luckily, this is made up for in my social, mental, & physical health. I’ve chosen a life that has me surrounded by wonderful people. A life that spends a lot of time analysing the human condition. I’ve even managed to bring my circus life back in again, so now I’m physically happier than ever. I don’t like to think that my life is harder than anyone else’s in my peer group. To my friends who chose jobs in finance, I know you got issues. So I wanna ask in response, what should a life look like? Well there are answers to that question as plenty as there are people… & I guess I’m living mine.
I’ll admit that I may have rushed this weeks entry… I’m currently overthinking a video performance that we’re about to record… a really nice video session of two songs. This morning I was panicking, throwing clothes around my floor & stuffing equipment haphazardly into my bags. I should have slept more than this. I should have prepared more than this. The BIG lesson for this week: always plan your outfits the night before. :)
Okay, I’m bouncing away,
Love ya!
Nathan
