Thursday 26th May, 2022
I’ve thought about what to write all day… this was supposed to be out yesterday… but I’ll be honest.
My honesty, in this instance, has two directions. Outwards & inwards. I’m sending out a realistic picture of life as an artist in hopes that you might see yourself in the stress, struggle, & celebration. For me, when I see the life story of an artist, it often soothes me… knowing that I’m not the only one out there that’s failing constantly, & privately. This inwards direction is also for me to be realistic with myself. Artists need to walk a fine line between practical delusion, & measured realism. It’s as easy to fall into the narrative that you’ll be the ‘next big thing’, as it is to feel like there’s no point to any of what you’re doing & that you’re a waste of breath. Both of these delusions can lead you astray & isolate you from the work you need to do. A little delusion is necessary. If you were to stare at the statistics, you’d be wise never to attempt a career in the arts. So, in there is a ‘practical delusion’: just enough to believe it’s possible, & not too much so that you think you’re Jesus. To balance this delusion, there is a realism that you need to hold in your mind. As a kind of ‘cognitive dissonance’, you must believe that you can, while understanding just how unlikely it is that you will. This realism can go too far though. This has happened to me these past few days. “What’s the point if, at the age I am now, I have still so far to go?” This mentality effects us all, at any age… & a large contributor to this over realistic delusion is comparison.
We look to our left, maybe we see our aunt or uncle. They were in a band once. They even toured with U2 and were signed to a label. But they’ve been a butcher for 30 years… what happened? They made it further than we have & still failed? What hope have we? We then look to our right. Sure isn’t it the next big teenage genius, signed to a major label. They’re all over the internet, collaborations with our favourite artists, money out the wazoo… they’re not even old enough to drink yet. They’re half our age & they’ve already gone so much further than us. What hope have we? Then we look straight ahead at our good friends. They’re alright, the music they make isn’t anything too special… not bad… not great. Suddenly they’re on the radio everywhere. THAT song got picked as ‘track of the week’?! Now they’re playing the festivals? They’re doing a tour? But last week they were asking US for advice. How did they leap ahead of us? What hope have we?
It’s best not to look too close to this question. Despair is just happiness that you’ve looked at too hard. Instead, like a meditation, always come back to the work. You breathe music. You breathe songwriting. You breathe performance. You breathe admin. Whatever it is that you “do”… when times get tough, when you feel lost, do that thing. I listen to the Cortex podcast. A strange pairing of lads who are both independent creators, & successful ones at that. In this months episode, CGP Grey spoke about ‘being a writer’… or being a ‘thing’. He made apparent the gulf between working around a goal, & working towards a goal. Most musicians, let’s take an artist like me for example, want to play music & have a career in music. I want to be a songwriter too. In my pursuit of this career there is some unfortunate admin that needs to be done. Some promotion. Some social media. The list of things to do that’s not playing or making music begins to grow. I could work a 40 hour week as a musician, & not play a single note. In this case… am I really a musician anymore? Or am I just working around the music? When this happens I need to stop dead. Reassess my direction, & get back on track to become what I want to become, by doing what that person would do. Years can go by, & artists, like myself, will realise that they’ve spent their time working around the goal of being a musician, & not towards it.
What I need to do now… is make music.
Is play music.
What have I been doing? Studying music. Planning promotion & strategy. Organising other people. Cleaning my instrument. Building my ‘brand & look’. All things that, while important, don’t involve the music, nor the performance. It’s no wonder why I feel like I’m getting nowhere... I’m not! (at least not in a direct way.)
So, it’s time to be honest.
For the past 9 or so months, I’ve been struggling to get back on the horse. My career as an artist has stalled. Of the work that I’ve done, 95% of it has been working around my goals & not towards them.
For the past week that I’ve been free from college I have done next to nothing for my career. I’ve been struggling to get off of Youtube & away from video games. I’ve woken up half beat up & aimlessly wandering through a fog of self-help gurus & ‘resolutions to change tomorrow.’
Right now, in this lucid moment, I’ll tell you that I will not escape this tomorrow. I will not escape this now. I’m going to stumble forward. That’s all. I don’t know how to solve this problem, I can’t even identify a cause for it… all I can do is a little more than yesterday. Until I can’t. Then I’ll try to be kind to myself & do a little more the next day. Is this the attitude & work ethic I need to succeed? No. Is it what I’m going to do because it’s better for my mental health in the long run? Yes.
Just because I haven’t achieved what I could have by now doesn’t mean that I’ve failed. It means that I’ve been a real person, with an uncontrollable mind, body, & life.
What does all of this mean with a deadline? They do be looming…
I’m not really sure. I’ve got a lot to do with organising a band, organising a concert, organising a film, organising an album. There are multiple long lists of things to do & if I tackle them all at once, I’ll curl up again & have a nap. So, instead, I’m going to chip away at what I can, right now. At the core of what we need to do, is prioritise. My album & film are most important, then the live performance, then everything else. With that in mind, I can refocus my efforts, & work towards my goals, instead of around them.
Thanks again for another week, you beautiful literates.
N
