Wednesday 13th April, 2022
It’s okay, if you break…
Is it though? What does it mean to ‘break’? Will the world wait for you to recover? Will you be forgiven for every stumble?
Today was a wonky day, if you hadn’t guessed. As per usual, the ‘to-do’ list is growing hour by hour, & my ability to tackle any of it is quite low right now. I’m not extremely dysfunctional… because of those words: ‘right now’. The modern ideology of productivity is always nipping at your heels. You’re never doing enough because you’re competing with the world. While you sleep, someone else is improving… but wait, one day, they’ll be asleep too! That’s when you sneak up on em & become the best whatever in the world!!!
Or we could wait a moment… breathe for a second. The world won’t stop, but you can… & you probably should. When I say the words ‘right now’ I’m giving myself some context to fall back on. This is just a moment. One that will pass. I can be patient with a person who’s having a bad day… or a bad week.. or a bad couple of months in my case. Now that I’m living my new life, in this wonderful new apartment, I can unclench my soul a little. How does it feel to unwind? There’s a subtle & undefinable dread. Now that I’m in a safe & happy space ‘shouldn’t I be back at 100%?’ You already know my answer… of course not.
Your executive functioning (aka, your ability to do shit), takes time to build. There’s a rhythm to find, & bad habits to untangle. When you’re unclenching your soul, you’re gonna let out a little soul fart or two… there’s a pleasant metaphor for ya. But seriously, if you’re struggling to get some basic stuff done, then maybe give yourself a little context… a little patience. Be careful though. It’s easy to excuse your weaker tendencies & bad habits with a victim’s mentality. At the end of the day, you will always have the ability to be honest with yourself. That doesn’t mean beating yourself up or feeling shitty for not doing anything… being honest with yourself at the end of a bad day sounds like this: “You didn’t do what you could have… you didn’t try hard enough. Tomorrow, try a little harder than you did today. Tomorrow, get a little more done. Remember what makes you glow.”
That bit about glowing is something hugely important for me. Once upon a time I pinned my motivations on my ego… which is still true. I like to watch documentaries about great artists & make them my peers. I like to cycle through rich neighbourhoods & make myself feel poor. I love to perform & bathe in applause. I am also very aware that these are not replacements for happiness or contentment. These are just motivators. Little rewards to fuel my particular fire. Knowing what makes you burn is REALLY important!!! I should mention that I am, at my core, a happy person… I don’t really want for much, & I’m one of the luckiest people on the planet. I guess one of the advantages of being content, is that I can flirt with dangerous motivators.
Right now, as I type, I’m sitting with a cup of tea & listening to a Kate Bush documentary. Her story, her artistry, her life is inspiring to me. She’s been in my top 5 artists for a very very long time. Occupying space with Damon Albarn, Kahlil Gibran, Jean-Michel Basquiat, & Jim Henson. When I interact with the works & the lives of these people, I have no excuse… I am just as human as all of them. For that, I will step in stride with each at my side. What I need is courage, heart, & brains… now if there’s a wizard around here, that’d be handy.
Unfortunately, my passion is burning at 10.30pm. I can expect a late night of writing, drawing, making, doing, & organising!
So before I leave you… let me just boil down a little wisdom from my struggle right now.
‘Your relationship with productivity is like a dance. You lead. It leads. You might be able to go all night, but it’ll hurt in the morning.’
Óiche Maith gach duine,
Nathan
