Wednesday 13th December, 2023
If I don’t do then I won’t do, & I want to, so I am…
So much of my life is remembering things & people at the last minute, & then catching up to my own commitments. Today was a bit of a quick one. After a particularly busy week gone by, I’ve been catching up with cleaning, sleep, & self care. Beyond that, I had one of the strangest Sundays in a very long while. I was able to finally combine Circus & Music in a way that I’ve been chasing for years. I sang a new song: Moonlight Fantasy, in front of 300 people. Grim (my wonderful drummer) & I played our hearts out alongside eleven other talented circus artists. This was the culmination of the past 3 months of training. It couldn’t have gone better. I mean, of course it could have… but it essentially couldn’t have gone better. That day, while wonderful & busy, wasn’t all cheerful & rosy. While I’d love to dive deep into what the performance was like, how it felt to be up in the air, spinning, singing, etc… There’s someone that needs to be mentioned first.
Not last week, but the week before I described three tragedies. Two of which remain unfulfilled, & one that came true this year. Someone dear to me, someone who believed in my career, died. To me, a part of the tragedy is that they’ll never get to see their belief in me come true. & on Sunday, an hour before I went on stage to perform my singing circus act, I was told that another friend, another dear person who believed in me… one of the first who believed in me… had died two weeks ago. After pushing through a few tears I got my makeup sorted out gathered my costume, my equipment, & prepared to perform with Grim. All the while, my head was spinning out… “she would have been so proud of me”.
If you’re close with me personally, or you’ve paid a lot of attention to my story, you may be aware of the name Trish. After my injury at the age of 21, when I was lost & looking for guidance, this woman led me into the world of music. With her amazing history, as the first woman to own her own studio in London… as a founding member of the Independent music charts in the UK… as the manager of Norman Wisdom & Thunder Thighs (the backing singers on ‘Take a Walk on the Wild Side’)… as an old acquaintance of the Beatles, David Bowie, Charles Mingus, & so many more titans of the music world… she held an authority in my eyes. When she told me that I could make it if I tried, I believed in her & she in me.
Trish was a strange character. She earned the nickname ‘Vicious O’Keefe’. Her tongue was sharp, her criticism direct, & her heart was kind. So many times she would give out to me, she would be blatant with my abilities or lack of. She was the one who told me that my lyrics were shit. She’s the reason I rewrote my songs & grew as a songwriter. She guided me through the business of music. She was patient with a very childish & ambitious Nathan. A Nathan with too many directions, & even more hubris. I’ve had a small Trish on my shoulder for the better part of a decade, & she’s kept me safe & serious when I needed it.
I know that there are very few people reading these entries, so I’m really doing this for myself… with that in mind, there’s something that I need to indulge in. Something I need to get off my chest. I hadn’t seen Trish in almost two years. & before that… during Covid, I didn’t see her for another 2 years. So our relationship definitely had changed from the mentor / mentee dynamic… at least in any direct way. I’ve missed her a lot, but I knew that she would be particularly critical of my progress, of my career, of my decisions. When I moved to Swords again, I was around the corner from her. I could have reached out… I had planned to. But I was scared to face her disappointment… which was reflective of my own disappointment. As proud of my album & film as I am… they didn’t really succeed. Not many people listened, or shared, or was even aware of them. I sunk so much time & money into the projects & it wasn’t even close to coming back to me. So, I knew she’d be harsh. I waited until I had something to show her, something that I knew she would appreciate. I finally achieved that on Sunday past… an hour after I found out she’d died.
So that’s another addition to the tragedy of never getting to justify someone’s belief in me. That’s another surge of focus & determination. That’s another need to succeed now… before anyone else disappears before I can make them proud.
I’m not sure if that’s a healthy way to process this… but I think it’s something Trish would have said… I think it’s what she’d do. So, now’s the time to double down. I’ve no mentor now, I’m at the helm without a guide. It’s given me a sense of agency that I didn’t have before. I feel grown up. BMO gets it.
Okay, enough bumming you out, next week <3
Nathan
