Wednesday 19th July, 2023
I’ve been an idiot…
Over the past few weeks I don’t think I’ve been particularly easy to work with. It’s a combination of flip-flopping on ideas that are laced with doubts & lacking resolve. This leads to half attempted ideas that need to be undone & reworked, quite often… with more half baked ideas. I can feel a degree of ‘stickiness’ with the work flow & a whole bunch of frustration, both from others & myself.
It’s time to open up here about my feelings on the first album. Not the artistic qualities, I’ve done that before & I’m really happy with the album itself, but I wanna talk a bit about the experience of releasing the album… cause I think my current malaise began there. It’s strange that in the time since, almost a year, I haven’t yet felt the full effects of releasing. Tis strange how time & experience work.
As simply as possible, I’m considerably heartbroken with how the album was received. In the build up of summer 2022, everything was going so well… rehearsals felt like I’d cracked the ‘live performance’ code, people were all buzzing about the album & the film, they would ask me about it all the time, & tell me how they couldn’t wait for it to come out. There was this momentum that felt like something beyond me was taking place… something that could actually go somewhere meaningful. Something that could launch my career.
But people are nice, they are polite, they are trying to encourage you… & this is the worst thing about people.
When the time came to sell tickets, a large portion of those wonderfully excited people seemed to drop off, only half of the guestlist turned up. We couldn’t even sell out the Workmans club… Luckily I had the very nice excuse of Electric Picnic being on the same day to blame my poor sales on. The show, regardless felt brilliant, went off well, & those of you there were amazing to perform to… but…
When the album was then released the excitement dissipated. Some of you shared the heck out of it, the messages of support poured in, & people were actually listening. A few days later the several hundred listeners turned into several listeners, & that’s how it stayed for the rest of the year. This is the reality of releasing an album today. (at least for a small artist)
We try to manage our expectations, we try to remain grounded in reality… because that’s what will keep us safe. Falling from a great height will hurt us a hell of a lot more. So it’s sensible to downplay our expectations. Dissonantly, we must also expect the world. Why wouldn’t we? We have to believe in the success we’ll find on the far side of our release. We have to pretend that we will be the 0.00001% of artists who actually succeed. Balancing these two internal expectations is difficult enough without the excitement or the ‘reality checks’ of other people… & people do love to support of advise.
I’m getting lost here…
I think, to sum all of this up, I’ve been difficult to work with lately because I’m still a little burned from the first time. I’m heading into the next project with an ending result in mind. I’m overly conscious of the outside world. I NEED this one to go well… & that’s a lot of pressure to place on the early days of creativity. Failing has to be an option, it has to be a welcomed possibility. Not only that, but I’m letting the imagined reception of the work influence the work… which will dilute it down to mediocre baby mitten water.
It’s one of the reasons I’m taking a step back from social media. It’s also why I’m going to set out on a journey of fun. I want to find the fun in making again… something I’ve lost along the way.
Life has a way of chipping at your innocence & your resolve. It makes you jaded in a very subtle way.
I am now restoring that innocence. I’m gonna make some terrible & amazing things, & I’m gonna change the world a little bit.
I’m gonna build a creative family & make sure that they’re looked after.
I’m gonna go be the best I can.
& I’m gonna love it.
N.
