Wednesday 28th December, 2022

One last journal entry for 2022. We look back. We lean forwards.

It’s easy to forget how far we’ve come in a year. In these weird few days that we’ve come to call ‘the holidays’, there’s a good chance to look around… if you dare! (dum dum dum)

So what did 2022 bring you all? What did ye get up to? I’ve tried looking over all the things that I’ve gotten up to & realised that I’ve had one hell of a year… transformative, eventful, & yet quite underwhelming. This time last year I was still living with my grandfather & uncles, I didn’t know where I was gonna end up. Luckily I was saved by a dear friend… which is a big ol’ lesson I’ve always known. Your network will save you. The family & friends you have will be there for you, they’re your safety net. No matter where I go, or how old I get, I’ll be sure to keep as many of you around as humanly possible. Which ain’t always so easy to do. Actually this leads me to my first plan for 2023: I’m going to bundle my coffee chats with people.

In ‘22 I realised that I spent a crazy amount of time & money on meeting friends & artists. In an big effort of frugality, I’m gonna spend less money on coffee, less time in coffee shops, & I’m hopefully gonna connect more people. Which is something I really love to do. So win win win!

Alongside the move, I finished my first year of college & began my second! Somehow we muddled through the first year of fees, & are straight into the tricksy cost of war once more. This year I spent a lot of money… on some really important things mind you. This year I paid for most of the film, album, & live show. Overall, I spent approximately 20,000€ trying to make this music thing work. I’m sure it’s all going to pay off eventually. (cause right now it feels like so much money has been tossed into an unprofitable hole.) Nonetheless, what was a commercial flop, was a creative success! All of the releases… I couldn’t be prouder of them.

This year we saw ‘Broken & Beautiful’ released as a single, Start of Something Blue as an album, & Learning Curve as its own little featurette! So many releases, so many chances to mess up little details… & mess up I certainly did, in small ways, nothin too dramatic. B&B came out. day early, SOSB didn’t get uploaded until the last second because of a licensing backup, & LC… actually Learning Curve came out well enough. That was just a Youtube upload though, less to mess up. The real question is, what did I learn from all these releases, & am I happy with the way I put them out…

The biggest lesson I learned is about myself. I procrastinate. A lot. Like. A. Lot. In the creative world that we inhabit, preproduction & planning is, ironically, important. This is why, surrounding the centerpiece creatives, is a team of organisers & administrators. This is my second lesson learned from my releases: it really takes a village. I have a few wonderful people helping me along the way, but none on the releasing & marketing side of things… that’s all up to me. Which means that I need to make some compromises somewhere. I tend to sacrifice social media, playlisting, radio, & industry exposure. Generally, I don’t have the capacity (at least I didn’t in ‘22) to tackle the releases effectively. I probably should have waited… (but you only turn 30 once, right?) So unfortunately for me, it means that I arrive at the release dates half-cocked & unready. There are even social media campaigns & release plans that I went through the trouble of writing up, but never followed through on. At the last minute I did little bits… & of the one thing that I really did plan & put lots of work into… That went off brilliantly! The live show in September was almost perfect.

Then we arrive at the final significant event of 2022… my wee holiday to Germany. Why was this so significant? Well, it showed me that there’s room for artists in the world, & that Dublin is not a friendly place to survive as an artist. It’s tough to exist in this city. Of course, financially it’s a shitshow, but on a deeper level there are other issues here. In Germany, I was somewhat of a novelty. Not for the fact that I’m Irish, but for that I’m an artist. In Ireland, most of us either are, are related to, or are friends with a musician. It’s a poetical country, & we have a fantastic culture that’s accepting of creativity. Of my German friends, most were discouraged into a more ‘pragmatic’ education & career path. So there are a whole bunch of German people I’ve met that love music, but didn’t pursue it as a dream. Germany is simply bigger too. There’s a bigger music industry, & less musicians (per capita of course). This trip was so significant because it showed me a way out of this country. Hamburg, here I come.

I know that I’ve written a lot above, but that’s kind of it… this is the highlight reel of my ‘22 & it feels like I’ve done almost nothing. Of course it’s not true. I’ve accomplished more that a lot of artists have this year, & I am proud of myself… but there’s always a nagging feeling of inadequacy when it comes to your own output. More COULD have been done, I know what I’m capable of, & this year, I didn’t come close to my capacity. I struggled a lot with my habits, & my situation. Maybe it’s just the period of my career. When I work hard, I get little to no positive feedback, reward, or payment. Without the recognition, it can seem like you’re endlessly cutting through vines in the fog… with no light, no tunnel, no direction to move in… just hacking forwards blindly.

Now, let’s lean forwards before I fall into the swamp of nostalgic deflation!

Where am I going? What are my plans? My hopes? My dreams? What’s within my grasp? What’s out of reach? Well…

To begin, I’ve got myself a headline show in February that I’ve gotta work on. Kinda my way of starting a year full of live shows. THAT’S the big focus of ‘23: live music. If I can book one good show each month I’ll be a happy camper. If I can book a show in Belfast, Cork, or Limerick, I’d be really happy. & if I can book a show in Hamburg, or somewhere outside of Ireland, I’ll be over the moon! (not literally of course. Literally I’d be over the ocean.)

To accompany all of this live work will be more Circus. I’ve gotta take my training seriously & integrate it into my rehearsals & daily routines. I’ll be doing my utmost to reach across the circus network in Ireland & find some people to collaborate with. Live Circus, videos, whatever I can get my hands on really. Collaboration requires flexibility. Circus requires disciplined practice though, which leads me on…

ROUTINE! The mysterious magic of repetition & discipline… that’s what I’ve been missing. In my life, in the good times, routine is pretty easy to upkeep. My habits tend towards the productive & my sources of enjoyment are more wholesome & sustainable. This year I played a bunch of video games, I watched a lot of comfort tv, spent too long on youtube, stayed awake too late, & stayed in bed too long. When times are good, I read & write. I watch films & documentaries. I involve myself with the culture of performance! The big difference I find, between the two ways in which I spend my time… is the feeling I foster alongside them. I could read for an hour, & afterwards I’ll feel great. If I play a video game for an hour, afterwards I’ll feel like shit. So discipline, practice, & rehearsal is high on my list of things to do. (as it is most years)

Here’s the big secret though. I don’t do New Years resolutions. I do Yearly Themes! (if you dunno what they are, here’s a proper explanation) Instead of having set goals to adhere to. I have a general sense of how I wanna change. This year, my theme is: ‘The tarnished golden age’. Now, what the hello does that mean? Well… I’m gonna attempt to live in the most enlightened way I possibly can. I’m gonna talk right, gonna walk right, gonna sit up, pay attention, gonna listen deeply, & breathe. I will stumble, I will indulge, & will misbehave though… hence the ‘tarnished’ part of my golden age. Basically it’s the year where I act through my ‘bigger’ self. An enlightened Nathan.

What will this look like musically?

It should make no difference to the music. I am not ‘Nathan Mac’ the artist. I’m Nathan MacDonnell. ‘Nathan Mac’ is still gonna be the wholesome, sentimental son of a silly bitch. What it will mean for the music, is some greater efficiency. More music, more gigs, a clearer & more potent sound, image, style, performance. It’s time to begin working on my ‘greatest show’. All that’s left to do is dream.

I could go on with all of my plans, into the granular detail… but I’ll spare you the time. In the next few days I’ll have my vlog finished & uploaded here. A pretty intense one is coming at you to close out the year. Just gotta get something out of my system. You’ll see.

For now, goodnight…

Nathan