Wednesday 8th March, 2023
This week, let’s have a little look at what my vlog was SUPPOSED to be about, before the subject was swapped last minute.
Identity. (aka. Who TF am I?)
The spark for this fiery thought was one, Mother Wolfe. They mentioned that, in their thoughts, I’m not a performer. They think of me more as a guide, teacher, or wise sage, etc, etc… I may be paraphrasing. This idea interests me though. Who they think I am, & who I think I am… aren’t too far away, but not entirely in sync.
For instance… I think I’m a big sexy beast man who’s also a genius. Like Prince… but even more. Like Prince, mixed with Sinead O’Connor. Or, I consider myself an artist / performer… at the very least. Do I get the association with teaching, guidance, etc? Of course I do… I am & love these things. I’m also really good at teaching… & advice flows from me like a majestic & overwhelming river in need of a dam.
But who does my niece think I am? Or my ex girlfriends? Who do YOU think I am?
These ideas of roles, archetypes, & characters fascinate me. We are all so many people, so much, all of the time. It’s hard to just pin yourself down. That’s why artists really struggle to brand & market themselves… mostly. It’s why they just can’t pick a damned genre to call themselves. They aren’t only what we see them as from our multitudinous perspectives. They are who they were, & who they want to be. They are everything contained within their cavernous minds… & we all have cavernous minds.
I’m not able to comment on what this is like for non-artists. Or non-self employed people. When you’re a business, there’s another dynamic at play. Do muggles need to think about this stuff? Or, to be specific, do they need a concrete answer? To know who you are is a lifelong research project into oneself, one that we all undertake willingly or no. What might differentiate the artist folk from the regular folk is a need to write biographies.
The AMOUNT of times I’ve written a ‘Nathan Mac’ biography is insane. Not an entire book of course… it’s not a Nathan MacDonnell biography. Just Nathan Mac. He’s only 4 years old-ish. These biographies are little marketing blurbs designed to pull in attention. Something like: “Nathan ran away from the circus, but something so magical can never be escaped…” You get the idea. It’s flashy, hyperbolic, & mostly hot air. To write about yourself from the third person requires you to segment your role, your character, your identity.
Nathan Mac is a magical character. He’s full of creative energy, he’s physical, he’s thoughtful & entertaining.
Nathan MacDonnell is all of these things. Perhaps to a lesser extent… but he’s also sad, & lonely, & silly. He’s not just a musician, writer, & circus performer. He’s not the person you see in all of those posed photos. He’s kinda goofy, kinda disappointing, & far more vulnerable than you might expect.
I think that’s why, when artists date, it’s a bit of a red flag when someone falls in love with our music first… or they think of us as an artist first. The weaker, complex, & deeper humans we all are… these are the people you can genuinely fall in love with. The artist character we play is, by comparison, hollow & functional. I’m dysfunctional. You’re dysfunctional. That’s to be expected. That’s to be accepted. That’s to be loved.
I’m a whole host of people. I do consider myself an artist primarily. What I make, what I do, it bleeds into how I think & the story that I tell myself. I surround myself with pretty things & people. I lean into dramatic & romantic experiences. I won’t always make logically wise choices… but that’s just the way I see myself.
How this ‘self’ gets built is complex. We are a collection of those we’ve ricocheted against… including our beloved fictional characters, our enemies, & the humanity in every piece of culture & art we devour with our thoughts.
I’m proud to be complicated. I’m proud to be just like you.
It’s exhausting sometimes, but c’est la vie…
Chat to you next week,
Nathan
