A year in reflection - 17.07.24

Bathed in a new incense & glowing orange-pink lights, I’m laying in my cabin up above the world. One little skylight lets the dark blue remind me of how late it really is. Time is fleeting at the moment & I’m trying to live with a new breath of poetry. For the longest while, I had forgotten my spirit, my joy, & my gift to the world.

I’m once again, shifting things around in my online bedroom. The piano over here, a link over there, maybe some images & videos jumbled up to tell a new story… or maybe the same story with a new beat. Whatever it is that I end up with, it does clear out my brain somewhat, which has been clogged, fogged, & cluttered lately. How I got this way is simple: I took too much time to rest. I fell into old habits, habits from a time of recovery, not from a time of joy. My life is currently in a great place, for the most part. My emotional valence is stabilising & I’m corrupted by the urge to make, do, & go. But that’s easy to type. It’s harder to wake up & get to it.

When I’m feeling lost & groggy, stuck in a rut… I find that some kind of extreme action gets me through the bad habits & allows me to pick up the pieces of my life. This, I don’t think I can advise… Staying up for 48 hours… eating a mountain of chocolate…. getting shitfaced drunk…. cycling to the moon & back…. basically anything that disrupts my life, my mind, my everything. In the aftermath of this kind of chaos, there’s a calmness. That calm after a good storm. In that serenity, I can reinvent myself better. So I’m looking for something, but something constructive. At the very least, I can’t eat any sugar. My teeth have been perpetually sore & causing me headaches. While I wait a few weeks for the dentist to see me, I must behave like a saint. I could try & stay up for 48 hours, but my body would just crap out on me after 20 hours. No sleep is a terrible idea, always. I think, a 24 hour fasting day would suit me well… if I can find a good day for it.

But what the hell am I gonna reinvent myself as?

The other day I rewatched my last video blog from a year ago. I watched this younger me, defeated & lost, tossed about by the opinions of others, & completely deflated by the puncture wounds of a world that “knows what I should do.” I had forgotten the primary objective of my absence: to find my artistic core, to focus my artistic vision. I’ve been back online for a while now, but I’ve yet to mention what that vision is. Until I had seen the video, I hadn’t realised what I’d learned. That whole year was a prolonged stumble through my own subconscious. Luckily for me, a conversation with a good friend brought out my artistic core, only a week ago.

To live poetry. That’s it, that’s all. To live poetically.

But what does that mean to someone who’s not me?

Well luckily, while that looks slightly different for everyone, there is a core philosophy to guide your expression of the idea. Firstly, it’s about harnessing the power of aesthetics & self narrative. You need to dress as the person you want to be. You need to decorate your world to look, sound, & smell like a place that you want to be. You need to act like the person you want to be, even & especially if that means inefficient & impractical rituals & habits. Speak like your perfect self. Be the most of what you desire. Surround yourself with characters that belong in your story. Choose ‘yes’ when you can. Choose ‘yes’ when it’s awkward. Choose ‘yes’ when you’re unsure. Most importantly for all of these things, because it’s a requisite, follow through. You need to promise so much with this philosophy. You WILL take that bath. You WILL wake up at 5am & watch the sunrise. You can’t just speak poetry, you can’t just imagine it. Our poetry is to be lived, & to live is to do & exist. If you never get up & go, then you’ll never do or exist in that magical space.

For me specifically, I picture myself far away on some voyage. Exotic smells burn around me. The tea is bitter & deeply coloured. The teacup is ornate. My fancy pens are all within arms length, as are my variety of notebooks & journals. My instruments line the room & await me. My friends, my found family are on the phone, they are just outside eating dinner & living their own poetry. We, as a community, are exploring the world. Our compass is curiosity & we’re sailing into the mist. I like to stay up late, half-effective but cosy. My flowing clothes drip off of me, leaving me space to breathe & move when I can. My little room is cluttered & clean, as is my mind. Photos of families past are always in my eyeline, & my camera is loaded with the next roll of memories in waiting. There’s hugs, hands, & happiness amongst us.

You see I wanna live in a Miyazaki film. I want to live that kind of poetry. I wanna be full of life, with a deep energy storming inside of me. I want a pirate crew that you might find in One Piece. A collection of misfits who live & breathe for one another. I’ve wanted these things for as long as I can recall. Right now, without my proverbial ship, they’ll have to wait. Once upon a time, we had this dream, on our previous vessel the ‘Poddle Bitch Den’. Those were the days for sure. Full of art, food, & play. I miss you, & I miss you.

So, where does this bring my music?

While my songs don’t always centre around this single idea of living poetically… they are full of characters & moments of poetry. They are written from a poetic life, to make a life poetic. My artwork will shift towards examples of this poetry. Higher drama moments both loud & quiet. My performances my become more theatrical & dramatic too… as I’m realising, the outside world has been poisoning me with good intentions. Opinions from experts & non-experts alike, have been diluting my ideas & plans. This year has given me some time to weed my garden of these opinions.

There is a new album in the making. For those of you looking closely, you’ve already seen some of it. Keep looking, there’s going to be more & more. I have a compulsion to show, which isn’t great when trying to build suspense around a project like this… so that’s why Patreon exists. Over there I can show a small group of you what I’m up to, & hopefully that goes someway towards me showing my gratitude for your support too.

At the end of the day, at the end of the year I’ve had away from you all, I realise that what I want to give you is permission, vision, & inspiration to live poetically. You can do something a bit crazy & fun. You can start that project you’ve been sitting on. You are able to do so much… & you are able to do nothing. Follow through on that holiday, follow through on that business, on that adventure, on that food, on that person… you’re a poetic thing, & that’s so beautiful. If we all start living our poetry, we can spread so much joy & freedom to others too.

How’s THAT for a goddamned artistic vision?!

Let it be known that we’re here to change the world with creativity.

Love you.

- N