art is all I’ve got - 24.07.24
What are you worth when creativity is all you have pushing you forward?
When I think about my life, & what I’ve been looking forward to, it wasn’t this. Being told that you’re talented & amazing seems like a great thing, until you ask the world to care. Some kind of cognitive dissonance exists within the artist. Our loved ones, our fans, they build up an image of us in our own minds that we really want to accept. ‘We have something special that the world cares about’. But then we have to act as if what we’re doing is worth of the worlds attention, even when we suspect that it’s not. That suspicion is so often accompanied by the stark reality of data & poverty. We exist in a spotlight industry… for as long as you can stay in that spotlight you can achieve some kind of ‘success’, maybe even be financially independent.
I’m at the mercy of my mind… I know this. Right now, today, I’m in a darker place. I need to remind myself that what I do with my life is worth something to someone. I need to remind myself that I’m not wasting my time & my shot at a stable life with people I love. This is a regular battle we have to face. Maybe it’s one of the reasons so many of us face mental health crises, but I wouldn’t know.
A while back, I was speaking about family trauma with someone. About arguments & how they can be a healthy thing for a family to experience. So long as fights are resolved & not just bottled up, then these experiences can reveal a truth to us. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Someday we will be on the other side of this. The world is not over. You see the muscles remember, the brain forgets Tomorrow might be a bright one, but today is about tunnelling through. I have work to do, like writing this journal for one. I’ve to practice for a show I’m gonna play this Saturday, & that has me terrified. In a park, alone, for an hour. Not a glamourous or exciting performance really, but something that I need to be grateful for. I’m gonna get paid to play my songs, & that means a lot right now. That means a lot to someone who’s feeling pretty worthless.
Looking for reasons to soldier on isn’t always easy. Depending on where you look, it only makes you want to give up. 8 people listened to my music yesterday, 5 the day before, & 3 the day before that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that anyone is listening… but my album has been out for almost two years now. You’d think that, if the music was worth something to people, it would have found its ways to more people & they’d be listening. You’d think that, but should you?
When I give advice to new artists I say “don’t look for logic”. Trying to find a reason why certain things work & others don’t will drive you mad. Some of these artists, with less of a following, less experience, & almost no music, are actually passing me out for opportunities now. Why? Because this industry is so complicated & so confusing that even the people who give the opportunities are half-guessing. Having great music is a part of what makes a musician successful. Sometimes it’s their ability to represent. Sometimes it’s their ability to entertain. Sometimes it’s because they had enough money & contacts to buy the fame. It’s best not to linger on the success of others, because it’s disheartening & distracting.
That’s why the only thing keeping me in this business is my next album. It’s the writing I love. It’s spending time in the studio with talented musicians & producers when I can. It’s sitting up until 3am, writing storylines for my protagonist & drawing shitty ideas for album artwork. The creativity of it all is what makes this worth it. Nothing else… right now. Someday it will be the fans, it will be the big stages, it will be the big cheque…
But right now, art is all I’ve got.
Love you.
Nathan
