I just wanna be important - 16.10.24

Back home in Dublin, back home in Swords. A long time ago I wrote about the weird feelings of being back in a hometown, & the false sense of superiority I had here. I felt like I was better than Swords, better than the people who never left. Back then I knew that this was a ridiculous idea, but it was coming from somewhere. Today, I think I have an answer for that question.

I’m now sat in the nicest cafe in Swords, ever the coffee snob, they don’t have any filter coffee, but the americano is excellent. They also sell properly roasted beans. Anyways… I’ve just come from an artists meeting / consultation workshop about the future of the Swords Cultural Centre. It was a tad emotional for me. Last time we fought for this was about 8 years ago. We technically won that fight back then, but something my mentor said came almost completely true. “Half of us will be dead, & the other half will have left for better places.” Sure look, she died & I ended up stuck here again.

These kinds of group feedback sessions are usually disappointing. This wasn’t that different honestly. Interesting & rare ideas get drowned out by the common & repeated ones. It’s design by committee at its worst. When I was chatting with the other artists, I mentioned more than once, how I was there at the genesis of all this. How I was one of, if not THE instigating force for the kind of work being done in Swords. I raised the first flag. Now, this is true, but did I really need to say it so much?

Keep a pin in that.

Yesterday I left my house for the shopping. I popped on a podcast I listen to lately, this Theo Von guy. He was chatting with Gabor Mate. They speak about early childhood trauma, addiction, & parenting. Gabor talks about how trauma is some unhealed wound in us, that manifests in lots of different ways. For instance, in Theo, one of the ways it manifested was in his need to be attention grabbing: his comedy career. He needed attention, he needed to feel valuable through the service of laughter… etc. He developed addictions that focused on acquiring the intimacy & belonging that he was lacking.

As they spoke about addiction, I looked at myself… a bag of jellybeans in hand, almost empty. Bags under my eyes from the sleep that I sacrificed to another video game. All of these intense emotions began to flood my veins. The shame of not being able to control myself. The self-pity of being a ‘troubled’ person. I started to re-contextualise patterns in myself. Do I have some kind of trauma that I need to address??? Then I began to ask why… Why am I like this? Why did I really decide to become an artist? Why do I suffer in the specific ways that I do?

Now unpin that need to put myself in such an important place today. Let’s compare that to the need to be a famous, contributing artist. Let’s put that against my pride in being there for people & for being the host.

I think I have a need to be important.

& I think it’s an insatiable beast.

What motivates me? The works of ‘great people’.

What makes me the most comfortable? Being at the centre of a space or group.

Over the years, I’ve danced around what I’m trying to achieve. I’ve dressed up my need for importance in ‘the need to contribute’, in ‘the desire to give to others what I’ve been given’, etc… Those are valid purposes, but they’re also masking something deeper I think.

Earlier I sat in a room of people, at a table of artists, & I wasn’t the most important person there. I didn’t have much to contribute really. I wasn’t particularly knowledgeable about this kind of world. A friend of mine was there next to me & he was giving out excellent points & asking insightful questions. He spoke out to the room & regularly became the deserving centre of the room, because he actually had inputs. I noticed that need for importance in these moments the most. The sting of jealousy. I laughed at myself of course, because I know how silly it is to be a person. But it was an excellent confirmation of that deep part of myself.

I hear you asking: “What are you gonna do Nathan?!?!”

Well, hypothetically interested person, I don’t know. I should head out to therapy… which I’ve been avoiding cause I’m still trying to pay for college. Maybe I’ll just delay my college payments for as long as I can get away with it.

I also wanna look to those in my life whom I am important to. My family, friends, my partner. I think, paradoxically, being important to someone makes them less of a priority in my life. That’s something I need to look at. I don’t know if it’s fully true to say that… but what I’m getting at is… I think I need to accept my importance to those people & let that be enough for me.

Or I could write a song about all this & run away from my problems… it’s anyones guess at this point! Then I could retreat into my room with a bunch of sugar & video games. Then I could keep aiming at world adoration. :P

But honestly though, I’m gonna try… & that’s enough for now.

Chat to ya next week,

N.