When it gets the better of you - 23.10.24
Last night, my partner & I flicked through my old journal from last year to find out the first moment I wrote about them. As I flickered through the pages, two things erupted from the page:
I am a DRAMATIC boy… the depth & florality of language I use to describe things is intense. Lines such as: “I am unqualified to own a heart” are what you’ll find should you ever read through.
I’m the same person & I have been for at least 15 years. My struggles with certain addictions, my aspirations of focus & order in my mind, my inability to get a hold of my feelings… etc…
This week was no different than last, than was no different to so many of my life. My mind took a hold of me & wouldn’t let go, the sinking hole at the top of my spine pulled all hope of focus & productivity into it, stealing away any kind of power that I need to get a fucking grip & get out of bed. It’s a fight I have fought many many times, & a fight that I become no better equipped to win. All that comes with experience is a deeper empathy with myself. I understand how little control I actually have on my life, on my ability to self-administer.l This is why we put ourselves into structures of productivity & focus. It’s why you can accomplish so much in an institution, with a regular schedule. It’s why those who succeed are usually the ones who can build & maintain a routine, or who have those around them who can guide them through that routine. Being a solo artist, sitting on the floor in my fathers attic, with no degree to finish, nothing pulling me forward, it’s not exactly easy to build around that.
For us, or at least me, there needs to be a want. Something that I truly want to achieve. Unfortunately, I also need to believe that it’s possible. I also need to see the purpose in any of it, & on weeks like this, purpose & possibility are hard to comeby. I usually watch Ghibli films in these moments… things to inspire! Art works that give me a desire to live, & by extension, a desire to create something that would make others want to live… but am I able to? Even if I did, would I be able to get it out to the world in such an artistically crowded era?
Advice is no good in these days too. I don’t learn by example or guidance… I seem to only learn through failure. Not sure why that’s the case, but it seems to be. Right now I’m a little sensitive… so I’m not particularly keen on failure. I don’t wanna pick myself up off the floor again, so I may as well stay down for now & rest.
But since when is rest an option? Time ticks by, & the industry doesn’t wait. I’ll need to be ‘active’ if anyone wants to help. I’ll need to be ‘active’ if anyone is gonna see me. The world won’t come to me, & in a way, I’m only really understanding what this means.
Anyways, I’m lamenting too much. Not good to wallow, or as Jake would say: “there’s no good kind of festering.” I will not fester no longer.
Today, I’ve been cleaning, deeeeeeep cleaning. That’s helpful. Getting out of the mind & into the body is the best way to clear the fog for me. Maybe I should be doing more circus these days.
Okay! Time to continue, chat to ya next week.
N.
