Wednesday 21st June, 2023
I started a whole tirade on the Arts Council here & just had to delete it all… instead,
Let’s talk about the fear of being you!
As you may know, I recently got a badass piercing on the bridge of my nose. Full disclosure, it’s not settling down well & I’ve not been treating it perfectly… I say that it took me 14 years to finally get it, but that obscures the journey it took to find the courage I needed. Most of that time was awkward dead air though, as real life stories tend to be.
When I was 16, I saw the bridge piercing on a girl I had a crush on… so of course I thought it was cool, she was cool. Something about the dramatic commitment to a hole on your face, combined with the pain you had to inflict on yourself, was just a recipe of ‘coolness’. I was still kinda shy & intimidated by this type of cool. I was loud & arrogant, in my attempts at performing confidence… so I would have been easily intimidated. Anyways, the years rolled by & I slowly began to ‘care less’ about fashion. There was a time before all of this where I would sew colourful ribbons & pockets to my clothes. I would use safety pins to make pictures, I would paint & draw on my clothes too. We were a colourful & creative bunch… once upon a time.
So why the shift away from fashion? Where did I learn that it was for girls, & guys who ‘care too much about appearances’? I’ve no answer for this, I can’t remember a single instance of anyone saying this to me. One of those effects of the culture I guess. Whatever the reason for it, I was wearing hiking boots, 3/4 length camos, & ripped t-shirts for the better part of a decade. I didn’t care for clothes beyond their function. I’m sure that some of you know… of course I cared. I cared enough to NOT wear things that seemed too flashy, even if they were perfectly (if not more) functional. I know people like this today… a LOT of people are like this.
Weirdly enough, I don’t remember the moment that I began to reverse this attitude. It was definitely something to do with my art. It wasn’t until the age of 25 that I started to experiment with crazier clothes. I would buy women’s trousers because they fit better, or they were a better colour. I would wear patterns on my shirts. I would spend proper money & buy some expensive items that I hoped would last forever.
During this time, I felt so uncomfortable. I remember squeezing into some bright pink pants, & slipping into my massive suede brown jacket… in the blinding sweaty sun. I felt so wrong, the pants were dropping a little too low, & the jacket felt like a cardboard oven… & then a stranger complimented me on my look. For like the first time ever… a stranger stopped me to tell me how good I looked. Maybe I shouldn’t have let it sink in so much… but it did make me a little more comfortable, if not with this particular outfit, with my ability to choose outfits.
A load of people struggle to express themselves through art. As a songwriter it’s relatively easy to tap into how you’re feeling, or what you’re saying. The circus community is quite underdeveloped with this skill, & the average person getting dressed in the morning, even moreso. Most of us don’t look at clothes as a way to express ourselves. A lot of us use them mostly to cover things up, beyond the functional & legal requirements from clothes. (I’ve been covering my arms & shoulders for years, & I’m only getting comfortable to show them again cause I’m a hot aerial boy now)
As I’ve begun experimenting with clothes, I have been getting better at expressing my feelings through colour, shape, & details on my clothes. I have baggy clothes that make me feel a little cooler & more physical. I have tighter, rigid clothes that make me feel elegant. I’ve got a lot of black for when my soul is quiet, & I’ve a lot of blue & pink for when my soul is loud, etc… I’ve been taking inspiration from characters & artists that I admire. People who embody beliefs & philosophies that I fuck with… The older I get, the more & more I’m gonna dress like Iroh from Avatar. Just sayin.
These days I have fashion pin boards on pinterest. I have a saved folder on instagram for aesthetics that I wanna play with. I’m also constantly creating my artist ‘persona’. I buy most of my clothes to have something on stage to wear. When you look at yourself as a character, & you think about what you stand for, or what your mood is like, then you’ll start to reduce your options on what to wear, but you’ll also be more confident in those choices.
Maybe, like me, you wanna express that you’re a person who moves. So you might end up with some barefoot shoes, some flowy pants, & either a tight top or a VERY loose shirt. Or, also like me, you might wanna emulate a kind of futuristic, Solarpunk aesthetic & start wearing abstract golden jewellery, & Asian styled wrapped clothing. (like in the film After Yang or Strange World) You get the idea… I got the bridge piercing cause I’m finally dressing in a way that makes sense to me… & I don’t mind if people think it’s weird… cause it’s just me now.
Clothes, & fashion is a kind of language that takes a while to learn. A lot of us look at the learning & see it as unnatural or unnecessary. As someone who cared about what he wore, then pretended not to, then finally started to enjoy playing with it… lemmie say that I think you’ll love it, after the awkwardness subsides.
So go forth & be creative!
Express Yourself!
Especially if you’re an artist… cause it’s kind of your role in society to give people new ways of expression. More than anyone YOU need to be the one who plays.
Thanks again,
Nathan
