Wednesday 29th June, 2022
Why do I wait until the last possible moment to finish or make?
Is it procrastination? Laziness? Fear?
The month is once again over. That means my Patrons will soon be charged for their remarkable support. It also means that my two Patreon deadlines are here. My June BTS video, & my June demo song need to be done. Every month, the same thing happens. I wait until the last week to think about making them & then, in a blitz of creativity, I pull together something. What’s strange to me, is why I wait. I really enjoy making these two projects each month… why don’t I spend more time in them? The same could be said for my college assignments. I know about them 12 weeks in advance, & I wait until the last week to fly through them. I got my results back finally & I did pretty well in each module. Mostly 68 - 75’s… not that it makes a difference right now. It does make me see the need to change… & change I am.
A few days ago, I woke up late after a pretty rough nights sleep. (I had a late coffee) On this day, I did all that I was obliged to do: fulfilling past Nathan’s commitments. At the first moment possible, I decide to burn the rest of the day away. Consciously, I spent the day in my room, not replying to anything or anyone, watching philosophical videos on youtube & playing a silly digital game. What’s odd here, is that I didn’t feel any guilt for doing this. You see there was a subtext in my actions… something that I knew was coming. That day was the last day I was allowed to play any games until the album launch. This subtext gave me full permission to burn one day away… because there will be so many more in the future that I will now reserve for my work… the album is looming, the film is looming, the live show is loooooming! I don’t want to describe these absolute magical projects as ‘looming’. That sinister frame makes them scary, & really, they’re such a pleasure to make. I’m so lucky to be able to work on what I love. (once again, shout out to the Patrons that help)
This now leads me to my current, & greatest anxiety. What if I delay this album, this film, & the live show, to the last week possible? A whole lot of the work that I’ve yet to do, could, & should have been finished already. I’ve had lots of time fly past me. Time that I spent wrestling with my own brain, my own lack of discipline… my procrastination, laziness, & fear. I don’t like to ‘stare at happiness’. To quote Jake the dog: “it stares back”. I also try to avoid any ‘navel gazing’ too. As someone who spent most of his life finding worth in being a show-off, it can be tempting to spend too much time focusing on ‘le moi’, & not enough on the world around me. It might not be the healthiest approach, & I may come to regret it one day, which is fine… but Werner Herzog once described the psyche as a room. The more lights you shine into it, the more it starts to resemble a dentist’s office. His point was that we can make our minds sterile from too much analysis. “Only the vain know themselves”, is another great Herzogian line. In this spirit, I won’t ask myself why I dilly dally, why I wait until the last moment to do something. I’ll just focus my efforts on not doing that anymore. No thinking, just doing.
So this anxiety can go fU*k itself. I’ll get the work done today, & tomorrow, & the next day, & everyday until I meet the horizon.
BUT NATHAN! Isn’t this journal all about analysing yourself & your journey?!
Good question other Nathan… No, it’s not. At least not completely. This journal is about documenting. It’s about focusing the mind on what’s in front, on what’s important. My own psychology isn’t what I’m here for… I’m here to tell anyone reading, what' it’s like to be in this position, to make this work, to live this life, at whatever stage I’m at, for as long as I can. Who know’s, maybe it’s already helped you reading this… but that is a lovely by-product of this journals true purpose: to make sure I stay focused on my goals, & to illuminate the path forward.
With that being said, the path forward for me now involves the artwork for the album. (the photograph of which I NEED to take tonight) The path forward involves me dissecting my songs & finding ‘cinematic moments’ in the arrangement to use when scoring the film. The path forward involves me practicing my songs, & explaining my intent of these songs to my amazing drummer & bassist. The path forward involves me contacting a bunch of music industry people & media nerds, telling them that I’m about to do a thing in the hope that they stop brown-nosing Gavin James for 10 seconds. (no shade on GJ…. he’s a gentleman) [definite shade on the music industry, it’s a deer frozen in the headlights]
The path forward is a lifetime of work that should have been done yesterday.
That’s what it feels like to be me right now, & if I’m being really honest, the weight is both crippling & asked for.
Pressure makes diamonds. Pressure makes hernias.
Pressure makes engines moves. Pressure burns up asteroids.
I’m under pressure btw… if you hadn’t guessed.
Okay, time to make the world a better place through MUSIC!!!!
Baiii, N…
