Wednesday 6th July, 2022
This week, I’m confessional…
I’ve not been functioning right… & by ‘right’ I mean compared to my best days. Lately I’ve been undisciplined, lethargic, & waking up a little bit hopeless. Not everyday mind you, but more than not. In an effort to expel or exorcise this block… I’m going to spill my inner workings out onto this page. With any luck, this technique will help me find some kind of balance, & get back on track.
Chapter one: how I’m feeling, & what’s weighing on me.
Ultimately, I feel like a burden. As an ‘artist’, what do I contribute to make the world a better place? How am I adding any kind of value to my surroundings? I’ve been on & off the social welfare for the majority of my adult life. I’ve definitely taken more than I’ve given in terms of money… & what have I done with it? What’s more… what have I decided to do with it? At a certain stage in my early 20’s I thought about going into politics. What led me down the music path was a selfish decision to do something I enjoy, more so than something that would directly help people. I do hold some guilt in my choice to be an artist. A lot of the over-work that I do is to justify that choice. The reason I began to learn about the music business is so I could diffuse any suspicion of ‘laziness’ from the people who don’t think that art is a ‘real’ job… & so I could diffuse that same self-suspicion I have towards myself. I wanna say that we should feel justified in our decisions to be artists, because artists contribute so much to the world… but I don’t know if I fully believe that. I know so many artists that contribute less than nothing to the world. It might not be the ‘healthiest’ way to look at things, but until I can start properly supporting myself, without supplement, I won’t feel like I’ve justified my existence, as an artist, & perhaps even as a human.
Next to this thought, is the practical, real-world stress in front of me. The album needs to be finished & paid for by the end of this month… that’s only 3 or 4 weeks from today. Are we near to finished? Yes, but I can’t relax until it’s all uploaded & ready to go. Once the album is finished & sent off to the distributor, I need to refocus my attention to the film & make sure that it gets finished for the premiere on September 2nd. I’ve yet to do the scoring (& it’s my first time scoring a film)… I just hope that I can get through it fast enough, with the same quality & skill that everyone else has applied so far. Alongside these two projects, I’m building & rehearsing the live show to perform the album on the 2nd too. This is its own monumental task that I need to get almost perfect. There will be a lot of people, & some very influential ones, at the show… If I can impress them, it should make my next year that little bit better. It could kickstart my career. There’s also the little matter of actually producing the concert. Projectors, screens, smoke machines… working with the venue, figuring out the plans for load ins & outs… I’ll actually have to put the show on… nobody else is doing that for me.
It might seem like there’s a lot going on between the album, the film, & the concert. There is. But what’s also weighing on me is promoting these things! What good is an album that nobody hears, a film that nobody sees, or a concert that nobody shows up to? I need to figure out the world of social media marketing, make all of the marketing materials… (videos, photos, etc), execute the strategy, & try to sell enough tickets to fill out the room. (that’s 195 tickets from today) I’ve yet to make an updated introduction video to my Patreon, which accounts for the only reliable income stream from my music…
Next to all of this is life. It’s meeting up with people, trying to spend time with loved ones, trying to keep my rom clean, trying to feed myself, & keep myself fit… so yeah, there’s a lot to do. Hopefully you can see why I might be burning out, or not replying, or why I’m edging on giving up & letting the bus drive itself.
Chapter two: the silver lining.
If you’ve made it this far, & not given up on the great complainer, you’ll be happy to know that this is where things get a little more positive. No matter what problems I’ve got.. they are problems that I’ve asked for. Problems that I’ve longed after for a while now. Three years ago, all I wanted was to have an album to finish & promote. I would dream of having a band & working on a live show that I can tour. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to make a short-circus musical film. Three years ago, there was no Patreon to help me pay for food. There was no hot-shot producer who believed in me… now there’s TWO! Back then I REALLY had no idea where I was going, who I was, or what I wanted. Of the silver linings, there are too many to distinguish. My rainclouds are glowing.
I often forget how lucky I am to be making so much music, to be studying music, to be able to perform with other, talented musicians. I get to work with wonderful artists too… photographers, digital painters, dancers, & circus folk too of course. As much as it sucks, being my own boss is also brilliant! I get to decide my own hours. Move in whatever direction I want to go. I may have the ultimate responsibility, but I also get all of the accolades & attention. I also get to work with fun & play. I’m a professional messer… or at least I’m semi-professional.
The pressures I feel are coming from a place of struggle, but also a place of luxury. With the work that I’m doing, I’m building my dreams around me. For that, when times are tough, I am grateful.
Chapter three: what the hell can I do next?
With so much to do, in such a short amount of time, a holiday can feel counter intuitive. Even taking a day to stop & reflect, to let my thoughts air out, can seem like a ‘waste’ of precious time. It’s more of a gamble. I’m risking that working time on the hope that it will make me a more well adjusted, balanced, & effective person/artist. For all I know it could make me worse. I’ve taken personal days before & felt less capable by the end of them. So am I willing to take that risk?
At the end of this month, I’m going away for 5 days with my sister. We’re going on a VERY long walk around the Dingle peninsula… this walking journey, that we do every year in some part of Ireland, always gives me some great perspective & inspiration. That’s two weeks from now though. What do I do between now & then? Can I resolve some of these anxieties, & issues before then? Should I try meditation for the 100000000th time?
I’m a fan of practicality. I’m a ‘ground-up’ thinker. So, if I can go to bed before 12, & wake up at 8, that’ll be a good start. If I can eat less & more frequently, that’ll keep me light & agile through the whole day. (I have a tendency of eating too much twice a day & then spending all my energy digesting…) If I can drink a little less coffee, watch a little less youtube, & keep my bedroom clean, that’ll make a huge difference. If I can exercise regularly & get my body back into it’s rightful condition, then I’ll be a VERY happy man. I could do with drinking a bit more water too.
I also need to tackle these bigger questions surrounding my worth as a person & as an artist. Sitting with these thoughts & writing them out, really does help. My personal journal takes the brunt of these issues. You’re only getting the broad strokes here.
When I think about my happiest & most content moments… it’s when I’m working regularly, & surrounded by wonderful people. Bridging the gulf between here & there is the primary goal. Everything else will follow… I hope.
Chapter four: there is no chapter four.
Talk to you next week,
N
