Wednesday 26th October, 2022
It’s only 3 euro a month… & yet, it’s so much more.
This mornin I woke at 6am… & little did I know, sleep was no longer an option. Since I’ve been trying to sit with my thoughts more, & let myself be somewhat vacant, I decided to lie back, stare up, & think. Of course, the creeping fears began to gather around me… tis the season for fear ya’know? I think, at least for my own well being, I need to expose a lot of these fears. Maybe you’re an artist & you’re sharing these fears, or perhaps you’re just in the mood for some horror & torture!
Lying in my wee bed, in my small room… the first thing that comes to mind is where I’m living, & how I’m even able to. I’m so lucky that I’ve been able to find an affordable place with incredibly sweet people. I’m even luckier to be offered financial help to go & get my education… but this morning, the thoughts I’ve been hiding from, finally found me. Before I started studying, during the pandemic, working a day job, all I wanted was the time to build a foundation for my music career. If I had the time, I could have done so much! Then I was given that time, & that freedom… it’s helped, but not as much as I’d expected. This year, I’ve been drifting into comfort. I’ve been acting like I’ve got all of the time in the world, when I really don’t. My time at college will end soon, the government help will end, & I need to be able to fend for myself full from music by then… & the fear is knowing that I can’t.
I decided that I’d focus my efforts onto patreon. That I’d build up enough of a fanbase to eventually survive on their help & appreciation. I had assumed that the album & film would be so groundbreaking that people would flock around me in support & celebration. In a way this happened… on the night of the show, people were so supportive. So many people bought tickets… but I didn’t get a single new patron… from a crowd of 150 people. Is it me? Am I not able to promote it well? Is it the site itself? Is it just awkward & too strange for people to make the jump onto the platform? Is it something that nobody’s telling me? It could be anything… All I know, is that I have a very short time, to build a lot more… if I’m going to survive when I leave college. I don’t want to leave Dublin, or Ireland, but at this rate, it might be my only option.
After this fear, I then realised that the numbers aren’t as great as I’d expected them to be either… When I had to create a release plan for college last year, I decided on the goal of doubling my numbers across the board. I knew that was a crazy idea, & probably too much to ask for, but I did genuinely think that I’d double something… my daily listeners at least! Sure I’ve released twice as many songs with the album, so why not? To be fair, the daily listeners has jumped up… but only by about 25% which would be great if I had hundreds of daily listeners. Right now, I’m averaging about 10 listeners a day. Which is actually pretty good honestly… at least to me. I know that they are real people, no massive playlists with people ‘technically’ listening… they don’t really help. Sure, ‘Better Off Without You’ was put on some mad playlist & we had about 1000 listeners per day for a week or two. Then when the song came off the playlist… back to 3 people per day.
People often say that you shouldn’t get lost in the numbers, & that you shouldn’t let them affect you… but that’s literally what makes me valuable to the music industry. The industry doesn’t give a shit about me personally… they care about how many tickets I can sell, how many listeners & followers I have on tiktok… etc. & they aren’t exactly wrong about all of this. They need to make money, I need to make money… the artist needs to pay rent, let alone all of the expenses that come with actually making their work.
Okay, okay, I got distracted by life & now it’s no longer 2pm… it’s 11.54pm…
So I’ll finish up, I think you get a gist of where an artist, & specifically myself, will find terror in the wee small hours. If you’re an artist with some anxieties or fears… & I know you are, reach out, say hi. I’ve always got an open ear for artists. It’s almost always a sympathetic one too… & maybe I can give a bit of consolation when I tell you one thing: “You’re the expert, you’re the authority.” The sooner you realise that the world is following your train of thought, your opinion, your influence, the sooner you can focus on what’s important… discovering how to make the world a little better with your skills & ideas. The world doesn’t need any more musicians, painters, or songwriters… the world needs artists. It needs people who can shape the culture into a healthy, proactive, & honest place. Let me begin the honesty, & close with a sneaky confession.
I have a playlist in my private browser that streams my album on repeat. I do it to drive up streams cause I hate the fact that most of my songs are still under 1000 streams… & I’ve even left Better Off Without You off the playlist so I can get everything else to match, cause it looks weird to have only one song that’s been streamed waaay more than the others.
& with that, goodnight.
Nathan
